14 Reasons why Coed Magazine Can Kiss Philadelphia’s Ugly, Miserable, and Poorly Covered Collective Ass

I wrote this article in response to Coed Magazine’s hatchet job on the Philadelphia Sports fan:

I enjoy reading and writing lists, even though as previously stated, Philadelphia usually doesn’t fare too well on lists that compare us to other cities. Philadelphia also doesn’t do well when it comes to the national perception of our sports fans; a reputation that is both unfair and justified at the same time. Some guy named Neal, who apparently is intelligent enough to attend Johns Hopkins and do some research, but lacks integrity/ability to write for a legitimate magazine that isn’t a rip-off of Maxim or FHM compiled a list of “14 Reasons Why Philadelphia Has the Worst Fans in Sports.” Oh boy…lets see what Neal had to say:

Reason 1: They boo their own team’s championship celebrations

Neal points to the fact that Adam Eaton got booed at the ring ceremony in 2009 as evidence of this. I don’t think it was wrong to boo him. Eaton was horrible, and ludicrously overpaid. So much so, that the Phillies paid him a ton of money to stay home during the playoffs and not to pitch. Eaton had nothing to do with that championship team and we boo players that stink and disappoint, which were the only things Eaton did well.

Reason 2: They cheer career-ending injuries

The Michael Irvin incident in 1999 was pretty disgusting and I can’t defend that. I remember watching the game on TV and being pretty horrified at what fans at The Vet did that day. Irvin was a showboating asshole who embodies everything Philly fans tend to hate, but cheering an obviously serious injury to him was classless and boorish. However, other cities have cheered serious injuries too. Irvin’s case gets mentioned a lot because it’s high profile, and because it was Philadelphia that did it. Regardless, it shouldn’t have happened and Eagles fans behaved poorly that day.

Reason 3: Their stadium had a courthouse and jail

Come on, Neal. Eagles Court might have been born out of negativity, but it’s funny that The Vet had this. It also represents a complete break of Philadelphia protocol. In a city known for inefficiency in the courts and the government, Eagles Court not only made sense, it actually made things efficient. Act like an asshole, you get arrested and given the business by Judge Seamus McCaffrey that very day. Eagles Court was a good idea, it actually worked, and Judge McCaffrey is now on the PA Supreme Court. All’s well that ends well.

Reason 4: They cost their team games

I was surprised by this. I thought Neal would use the argument about how we “put unrealistic pressure on our teams to perform.” Instead, he actually did some research (good for him) and dug up a game in 1949 where the Phillies had to forfeit because of fans behaving badly. One isolated incident of forced forfeiture does not make a trend, Neal. Other cities have had this happen to, but unlike Neal, I don’t feel like researching this.

Reason 5: They Endorse Killing Dogs

Okay, so the team signs Michael Vick after his release from prison and this hack from Coed Magazine wants to say that every Philadelphia fan goes out and participates and condones dogfighting. That’s a pretty gross generalization to make. To this day, I personally struggle with the Vick decision because he’s an overrated QB and always has been. As a person, Vick did his time in prison and has stayed out of trouble ever since then. I didn’t meet him personally, but he did volunteer work with a group involving troubled inner-city kids that I also work for and Vick went above and beyond what he was supposed to do. If me or someone in my family made a horrible mistake, I’d want them to get a second chance, and I think anybody who cheers Vick on feels the same way.

Reason 6: They fire flare guns in the stadium

Kudos, Neal. Every article that bashes the Philly fans leaves out my favorite story about the idiot in 1998 who got drunk and high during a Monday Night Football game against the 49ers, set up a flare gun (which he somehow got into the stadium), and fired it across the stadium. Because no one got hurt, I find this funny, and it welcomes so many questions: How did he get a flare gun in the stadium? Why did no one say anything to this guy? Why would someone bring a flare gun to a football game? How funny was it to hear Al Michaels piss himself on live television?

Reason 7: They hate each other

Yes Neal, we fight each other from time to time. Spend some time in Philadelphia or any other city and you’ll see this is pretty common. Assholes get treated like assholes. On to the next one.

Reason 8: They hate Santa Claus

You knew this would make its way on the list. It’s tired and stupid, and I’m sick of people acting like Philadelphia fans were so wrong to be upset that the team was bad, and the Santa was stumbling drunk all over the field. Plus, it was 40+ years ago. 

Reason 9: They instigate fights with players

Neal references the drunken idiot who thought he could take on Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi during a Flyers playoff game and subsequently got his ass kicked. My problem with this is that to my knowledge, that’s the only time a player has been “attacked” in Philadelphia. There have been instances in other cities where fans have run on the field and tried to do things more serious.

Reason 10: They get their team pepper-sprayed

I don’t remember this happening, but it does sound fathomable. Neal references an Eagles-Redskins game in 2002 where a fight broke out in the fans and the people involved got pepper-sprayed. The pepper spray apparently made its way into the sideline fans, and got in the eyes of Eagles players. If this happened, it’s just nothing more than a weird coincidence. However, this event happened IN WASHINGTON, and probably between an Eagles and Redskins fan, therefore there’s enough blame to go around on that one.

Reason 11: They puke on small children

I really can’t defend this. That drunken schmuck from Cherry Hill who intentionally vomited on an 11 year-old girl is a straight up disgrace. However, Neal pointed out earlier that Philly fans will fight each other. Well, in the case of this guy, people beat the crap out of him and he pretty much deserved it. See Neal, the system works.

Reason 12: They set mascots on fire

Neal claims Eagles fans set the Redskins mascot on fire, supposedly. Has this ever been confirmed, because I never even heard of this. I’m pretty sure Johns Hopkins professors wouldn’t want Neal to use heresy in his writing, and he displayed an ability to research earlier in the article. Therefore, I feel this is just out of place.

Reason 13: They throw batteries

Neal references the treatment of Phillies superstar Dick Allen back in the 1960’s and 1970’s for this. Again, very hard to defend because the climate of racial tensions added an extra layer in the enigma that is Dick Allen. Allen didn’t deserve the treatment he got from fans. Neal could have left it at Dick Allen, but instead mentions when fans threw batteries at JD Drew in his first visit back to Philadelphia after he refused to play here, causing the game to be delayed. It wasn’t a storm of batteries, as Neal implies. It was only about 3-4 batteries total, and the game was delayed while they arrested the people and restored order. An announcement was made regarding throwing things on the field and that was the end of it. Fans in other cities throw things on the field too (New York, Chicago, Boston, etc).

Reason 14: They waste perfectly good beer

Neal, I assume you’re an undergrad in college. Therefore, you have no idea what “perfectly good beer” is, because most people don’t buy Dogfish Head, Founder’s, or any other delicious beer when they want to get drunk at a sports event. Bud Light is not “perfectly good beer.” When I’m presented with shitty beer like the kind that is consumed en masse at games, I feel the need to throw it too. Drop the dumbass frat-boy logic, Neal.

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Every city has drunken assholes who take things too far and work to make the host city look bad. There are plenty of times where I’ve been to a sports even in Philadelphia and been embarrassed by what I saw others doing. However, for every one event of that, there have been at least 50 moments where I couldn’t be happier to be a Philadelphia sports fan. It’s tiresome and pathetic that Philadelphia has to be the punching bag when it comes to people who want to pile on, but part of this is our own fault. There are plenty of Philly sports fans (particularly Eagles fans) who take pride in this reputation and work to live up to it by being a drunk asshole. We are passionate, we are dedicated, and we are loyal. Passion makes people do crazy things, and so does alcohol. Mix those together, and there are bound to be some issues. Take this list for what it is, a cheap shot. Also, Coed Magazine can kiss our collective ass.